Healthy Thinking About Male Sexuality
Think Independently
Whether in your 20s or 60s, married or unmarried, holding an advanced degree or a high school dropout, we all learned a core sexual lesson—“A real man never has questions or doubts about sex.” In fact, most men learn the opposite lesson—“A real man is ready and able to have sex with any woman at any time and any place.” These are very powerful cultural learnings, and men who question them are vulnerable to being labeled “wimps,” “gays,” or “girly men.”
Does this constitute healthy thinking about male sexuality? Absolutely not. It takes personal courage to stand up to the cultural messages that trap men in a competitive, perfect performance approach to sex.
A striking example is that three out of four men fear that their penis is smaller than average. Other than being statistically impossible, it illustrates the competitive dilemma. Traditionally, men lie and one-up each other about sex, so there is a “feeding frenzy” about everything sexual—how many partners you’ve had, how often you have sex, how long you last during intercourse, how many orgasms you give your partner. Of course, you would never admit to losing an erection, not feeling interested in sex, experiencing premature ejaculation or ejaculatory inhibition, or having questions or concerns about what is normal. Such image management and the “blind leading the blind” subverts real-life, healthy male and couple sex.
Exercise: Enhancing Healthy Thinking and Confronting Poisonous Thinking
Men are not encouraged to think and talk about sex in a healthy manner. This exercise confronts that trap. It will require courage on your part because we are asking you to engage in this small group discussion with men you know, respect, and trust. We suggest a minimum of two other men and a maximum of seven. You can be the group facilitator. We suggest two guidelines. First, try to be as honest, clear, and specific as possible about sexual attitudes, experiences, and feelings. Second, no one-upping, bragging stories, and no put-downs of other group members or women.
Here are some suggested topics/questions:
- How did you learn about sex as a child? Who talked to you? What did you learn? If no one talked to you, where did you get sex information?
- Whether from parents, school, church, or friends, what was your best, most helpful sex education experience?
- When did you first experience orgasm/ejaculation? Nocturnal emission (“wet dream”), masturbation, partner sex, or fooling around with other boys? Was it a positive or anxiety-provoking experience?
- When did you first hear about couple (marital) sex? Did it excite or repel you?